


Take Time to Breathe

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, M/M, Trans Keith (Voltron), Trans Male Character, broganes, everyone is relevant and loved, just take this please it's gay so you'll love it, lance just wants keith to be happy and safe, mlm author, this gets fluffier as it goes, this is my first fic so idk what i'm doing actually, to be fair i never know what i'm doing, trans author, what a good boyfriend, you just gotta survive the angst apocalypse first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-11-23 17:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11406774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Keith's been part of team voltron for a while now, and theoretically, they should all know each other's secrets. But Keith is still in the closet to all but Shiro, and his dysphoria is eating him alive. When he cracks during a mind-meld exercise, Lance makes it his personal mission to reach out to the red paladin.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey, it's me from the future to say that i'm honestly not really proud of this fic anymore. i wrote it when i was running on very little sleep and forced myself to crank out chapters once every 1-4 days. i messed up quite a lot in a lot of places, and this just isn't my strongest writing. i'm only leaving this up because a lot of people seem to really appreciate it, and that love for my work really drove me to keep writing. obviously a lot of people love this, so don't let this intro put you off from reading it. i just want to admit this is a weaker example of my writing so i can move on to write fics i'm more proud of. thank you for your time and i hope you can appreciate this work in a way i just can't.
> 
> i may consider rewriting this work in the future though!! so keep a look out for that!

Keith was staring up at the ceiling in his room, eyes glued to the patterns as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. His body hummed with discomfort that had been poking at him, eating him alive for days now. He felt itchy in his skin and the tension wouldn't release. Regardless of how much intense training or patient mind exercises he did, his brain was always wired back to his body with growing unease.

He felt everything that didn't belong there, his wide hips, his breasts, the distinct and surely noticeable curves that were a shining testament to his femininity. The growing anger and self-hate that came naturally with it. None of this is supposed to be there. This isn't what a man is supposed to look like. The thoughts ran through his brain several miles a minute. 

He wished it were easy, that someone could just take a giant knife or something and hack his hips away, or cut his boobs clean off his chest and everything bothering him would be absolved. That all the bad thoughts could go away with that one motion and he'd be happier.

He was pulled from his thoughts by Allura’s voice over the comms, demanding the paladins go to the training deck to work as a team. He followed orders, grabbing his knife and jacket and rushing down the halls. He found his suit in what he mentally referred to as the “paladin suit room” (very clever, Keith) and quickly changed, doing his best to ignore how the skintight form highlighted everything he hated about himself.

He found Shiro, Hunk, and Pidge out in the middle of the deck. Pidge and Hunk were excitedly talking science whilst Shiro was already stretching, seemingly in his own thoughts, but he still smiled at the sight of his younger friend.

“Keith!” He said, returning to a natural position to face the red paladin. “You ready to work hard today?”

_No, my decidedly effeminate body is eating me alive and I actively crave death._

“Where's Lance?” He asked instead.

Shiro gave him an understanding smile. “He's taking his time, don't worry about it. Besides, this is a good opportunity to warm up. It's important for your body to be ready for anything out here.”

“Yeah, I know.” Keith replied, his voice much more tired and weak than intended. Thankfully, before Shiro could comment on it, Lance arrived, bright and smiling, and immediately took his spot by Keith's right side.

“Alright guys, what are we starting with today?” Shiro asked loudly, abandoning his conversation with Keith, and open to suggestions from the team.

“The maze thing!” Pidge squealed, excitedly.

“Anything but the maze thing!” Hunk said, voice shaken with fear. “That thing sends my anxiety straight through the roof!”

“How about the mind-meld thing?” Lance contributed. Pidge just twitched an eyebrow in response, sending their friend a threatening glare. Everyone knew how much they hated the mind-melding exercise, and honestly? Keith understood completely.

“Why don't we just fight as a group? Like, against the gladiator drones?” Keith spoke up.

“No way, that requires actual physical effort and I don't wanna.” Lance replied, challenging Keith to bicker, all of it friendly and heartfelt at this point.

“We are literally here to train ourselves to fight evil purple aliens in space, Lance. This isn't supposed to be fun.” Keith fired back. In reality, he just didn't want to face the mind meld when he felt this gross about his body, considering how hard it is to hide anything from anyone.

“Okay okay, why don't we start with the mind meld thing now, get it over with, and we can work out everything else after that? That way we can do all the mental stuff before we're too tired to cooperate.” Hunk added, quickly putting their bickering to a halt. The red and blue paladins both responded positively to his suggestion, but Keith still felt the dread sink in his gut when he realized that this entire conversation, he hadn't been able to put aside the feeling of his body, like bugs on his skin, for even a moment. Surely, the rest of the team would feel it too.

He felt a sense of panic come over him as Allura gave Shiro the headsets, and as Shiro started passing them out to the team. _This will be fine, this will be fine._ He tried to convince himself. _Maybe nobody will even feel anything, or maybe everyone will just ignore it. They can't pinpoint what feelings and thoughts come from which person, anyways. This will be fine. This will be fine. This will be totally fine._

He took a deep, shaking breath. He tried to ignore the feeling of his binder constricting, hurting a bit, serving as a reminder that he had boobs and they were probably incredibly obvious to the rest of the team. He put the set on his head, flipped the switch to turn it on, and tried his best to clear his head. _Patience yields focus._ He repeated to himself, over and over. _Patience yields focus, patience yields focus, patience yields focus. God bless you, Shiro, for this sweet brotherly piece of wisdom you’ve given me._

And that was it! He could think about Shiro, use that to distract himself from his crawling thoughts. He forced himself to picture memories of the two of them, memories from when they were both kids. He also allowed himself to see his teammates. Hunk and his two mums making cupcakes for his classmates, happiness and warmth flowing through the kitchen. Lance, a small child still afraid of the water, being shoved off the dock and into the shallow ocean below by an older cousin. Pidge having long and intense Monopoly games with their brother and parents, the lights dim and the dogs asleep. Shiro being scolded by his big sister on the way to school for splashing in the rain puddles and getting his sneakers wet.

_What was I even worried about?_ He thought. This isn't so bad. He allowed himself to shift through the happiest bits of his childhood as well, feeding into the blend of happy Earth moments. Going on his first motorcycle ride through the desert with his father when he was 6, going to see Shiro at family gatherings, who talked excitedly about being accepted into the Garrison and going on space adventures. He remembered his thoughts clearly: _I wanna do all of this, too. I wanna see the stars and planets and moons and meet all kinds of aliens and learn so many new things._ He then remembered thinking, _Can girls go to space school, too?_

He inhaled sharply, pulling out of his own memories. His body started crawling again. He felt everything, his curves, his hips, his feminine voice. He was a girl. He sunk into himself, envisioning these mistakes being chopped off and taken away again. He was uncomfortably aware of everything, the itching feeling manifesting everywhere. He wanted out of his own skin.

He suddenly remembered the headset was still on, and surely everyone must have felt that. He rushed as best he could to silence his brain and shove it all away, a feeling of guilt, embarrassment, and frustration clawed at him. He opened his eyes to see his teammates faces.

“Dude,” Hunk started.

“What was that?” Pidge asked, a bit of panic hidden in their voice. Lance was silent, a thing that almost never happened, and Shiro just gave Keith a concerned and sympathetic stare, as the only teammate who knew anything.

Great. Now he felt like shit. More so than before. He remained quiet, hoping the feeling wouldn't be linked back to him. _There's no way to prove the memory with Shiro and what just happened are linked to the same person._ He thought. _I should be fine._

The rest of the team was starting to relax a little bit, Pidge and Lance seemed to be calmer now, and Hunk finally resumed talking.

“That was really… intense. I thought I wanted to die.”

“Or like, cut whole parts of my body off.” Lance added, his voice cracking a bit.

“We should take a break.” Shiro said, his voice husky and full of concern. The whole team gave a general grunt of agreement, everyone taking off their headsets as quickly as possible and slowly rising to nervous feet, passing the equipment wordlessly to Shiro.

“We can try again tomorrow. I wanna have a word with each of you in private and see what's going on and what we need to do.” Shiro spoke, his voice quite loud, considering. The team wordlessly agreed, and each person silently left to change, Keith and Shiro being the last two to disband.

Keith tried to avoid talking to Shiro, looking away, but his leader’s disapproving-yet-concerned stare was locked onto him.

“Keith, what was that back there?”

Keith bit his lip. The floor was suddenly very interesting. “Nothing. It's nothing. I’m fine.” He wasn't exactly lying either, he often felt like this, although admittedly never quite this bad, but he was still genuinely fine.

Shiro seemed unconvinced, but let it slide. “If you ever need me, you know you can talk to me.” Keith just nodded and quickly slipped away to change, guilt for the whole team churned in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! thank you so much for reading this first chapter! i'm really proud of my work and i'm glad i put my suffering™ to good use


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is really shaken after the events of that morning and starts putting things together with the help of his teammates.

Lance’s feet felt heavy as he left the training deck to change. He could still feel everything from the mind-meld exercise dragging him down, the crawling discomfort that itched his skin, the need to get out of his body, to go away. The disgust in himself that he had never quite experienced before hit hard. Sure, he had his ups and downs, he had been in a very bad place when he was younger, but this was so different of an experience.

_Someone I care about feels like this? Regularly?_

It was hard to think about, Voltron was like his second family. He tried to put it aside as he slowly changed back into his regular clothes. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he let his eyes linger for a moment. _I don't know who that was, but I’d rather it be me._

He sighed aloud. _I should talk to Hunk, he can make anyone feel better._ He thought, his mood lifting just thinking of his dear friend. _All this Voltron stuff could probably be solved immediately just by Hunk smiling at Zarkon or something. Not that he ever would, though._

With that, he started down the long, quiet corridors of the castle in search of Hunk’s companionship. He always found the cold hallways vaguely disturbing, the silence and emptiness gnawing at him. It was such a drastic change from his home, warm, close-knit, and inviting. Even the Garrison was still packed with bright colours and casual conversations between classmates.

His feet took him first to the green lion's hangar. It wasn't unusual for Hunk to be there, as he and Pidge often excitedly worked on programming together, and the green lion's energy was useful for many of their projects. And sure enough, that's where he found the two of them, Pidge typing away at a computer, and Hunk standing nearby, still visibly uncomfortable with what had happened earlier.

_Glad I’m not the only one._

He entered the room with a wave of his hand and filled the gap between his two friends, smiling brightly.

“Lance!” Hunk said, his face immediately lighting up as he hugged the blue paladin. Pidge looked up from their rapid typing to give their friend a small smile.

“Hey Lance, what's up?”

“Mmm, the ceiling?” He replied with a playful smirk. Pidge just twitched an eye.

“Get the fuck out of my lion’s hangar.”

Lance laughed a bit and stepped back, but made no motion to leave, and Pidge made no motion to stop him. Instead they turned to him and asked curiously.

“So really though, you need anything or just here to relax after what happened this morning? Either way you don't actually have to leave, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. And kinda a bit of both.” He replied.

“Well then, make yourself comfortable.” Pidge stated casually before returning to their work. Hunk was the next to speak up.

“That was really scary. Who do you think it was?”

“Well theoretically, that could have been anyone.” Pidge butted in, not looking up from their computer.

“Do you think it was related to that memory from Keith?” Lance asked, concern lacing his voice. “You don't really think it was him, do you guys?”

“Nah I doubt it. He seems pretty comfortable with himself.” Hunk said, but it did nothing for Lance's suspicions.

“Maybe that was Shiro, the memory was about him after all. Maybe he had confidence problems or something when he was that age and it took him back.” Pidge suggested.

“Yeah but it's like you said, it could technically be anyone. Anyone could have been uncomfortable and it might not even have anything to do with Keith or Shiro or that particular memory. We just gotta look out for each other because really, we don't know and maybe we aren't supposed to. Let’s just pay extra special attention to each other and support each other like always, y’know?” Hunk said. His words always had a way of making Lance feel a bit better, and he certainly wanted to believe them, but he couldn't help but feel a sense of justice, like it was his job to scout this person out and talk to them, and he had the feeling he knew who it was.

_Keith was quiet during the mind-meld._

_It happened right after Keith's memories._

_I’m already pretty sure it's not Hunk or Pidge just based on this conversation, and I know it's not me. I guess it could be Shiro but…._

“I have to go the bathroom.” He lied, making his way out of the green lion’s hangar and down the long halls. But with each step he doubted his choice more and more. 

_Hunk was right, you know. You're probably overthinking this. Or maybe you're underthinking it. What are you even supposed to say to Keith when you get there? What if it really isn't him and you just have an incredibly awkward conversation for no reason? Why do you care? Why do you care about accidentally making yourself look like an idiot on front of Keith anyway? You're friends, it's all good. What if he takes offence to you asking him? Like is it too personal of a question to ask? WHAT EVEN IS THE QUESTION YOU’RE PLANNING TO ASK ANYWAY? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING?_

Lance was held back from his thoughts by Coran intercepting him in the halls.

“Oh hello, young paladin! You look a bit off, what seems to be troubling you?” The older man asked, his voice bright and energetic as ever. Lance looked away.

“Well it's… it’s kind of… I don't know. It feels like it's not even my business to worry about it.”

“And what is ‘it’? Perhaps I can be of some assistance. More years means more expertise.”

Lance paused, considering, before asking the question.

“Coran, what would you do if you thought a friend needed your help, but you weren't sure, and you didn't wanna bother them for no reason?”

“Talk to them, of course! Good communication is very important! And the only way to know if a friend needs your help is to ask them yourself! Oh, I remember when I was a young boy, not much younger than you actually, an old friend of mi-”

_This is my cue to leave._

He started, but Coran stopped him.

“Wait, Lance! I have more to say!” His tone grew more serious. “This friend of yours could really be hurting, and may be trying to protect you. Let them alone if need be, but don't be afraid to make contact. Many years traveling many galaxies and meeting many people has certainly taught me that lesson.”

Lance met the older man’s eyes for a moment, before nodding with a smile, thanking Coran, and running off towards Keith’s quarters.

_Bless Coran, for always having the best advice and the most boring stories._

It was only when he arrived he realized he had no idea what he was actually doing. He felt a lump in his throat.

_Whatever._ He thought casually, before knocking on the door to Keith's room. Seconds seemed like minutes before the door slid aside to reveal a very tired-looking Keith, with messy hair, dark eye bags, and a loose shirt hunched over the doorway. He looked… kind of nice. Like really nice. Like damn. The shorter boy raised an eyebrow, face blank.

“What is it, Lance? I was sleeping.”

“Oh, well, actually I wanted to talk to you about something, I guess it can wait but….”

“Just come in, and make this quick because I’m tired.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUP YALL!! this chapter was kinda short oops, i'm really bad at dialogue/interactions and writing lance perspective is really hard for me, but i hope this turned out great! chapter updates will be frequent but not regular, because i'm just too chaotic for that "regularly timely updates" nonsense. thank to everyone supporting me! i absolutely appreciate it!


	3. Chapter 3

Keith sighed and moved to let Lance into his room. He was exhausted, and he hoped that whatever Lance wanted to talk about was worth it. He had been sleeping in an attempt to clear his head, but it hadn't worked in the slightest, considering his body still hummed with discomfort.

_Can I ever get a break?_

He found himself leaning on his bedside table and looking at Lance curiously. _So long as it's not about this morning, I should be fine._

“So about this morning,”

_Oh fuck you._

He curled up a little. _Does he really think it was me, was it so obvious that Lance seriously figured it out in just a few hours? Does this mean Pidge and Hunk have already figured me out?_ He was panicking, nausea crawled from within.

“Keith, was that you?”

_I wish there was an airlock in my room so I could suck myself out into space and die right now._

“I don't… I don’t know what you're talking about. That wasn't me.” He lied, but his face grew hot as he said the words, actively avoiding Lance’s gaze. He was always such a bad liar.

There was an uncomfortable silence now, words that should not be spoken itched at the two paladins for what felt like hours. Hours of Keith having a passionate staring contest with the floor, his brain telling him ugly things. Lance finally broke the silence, his words sounding so alien.

“You’re lying.”

The silence returned. It buzzed on. And on and on. Tension filled the hot room. Keith could tell Lance was looking at him, and his own eyes were still glued to a particular patch of the floor, as if it could tell him how to get out of this situation. 

He wanted to scream, or die, or spontaneously combust. But there was nothing reasonable he could actually do to get out of this situation right now. The silence would eat at him forever and the room would keep getting warmer until he said something. His breathing was picking up and he could feel his binder restricting, as if it were poking him with a stick and teasing him, waiting for him to explode. He took a deep breath.

“Yeah. That was me.”

His voice had sounded so small, weak, defeated. It was unlike him to be backed into a corner and give in so quickly, those four words so much more painful than they probably should have been. He wasn't ready for this conversation, and his heart beat tight in his chest. He didn't have to have conversations like this often.

Lance’s voice rung with concern and wonder.

“So, what was that? Keith, this morning I felt like I wanted to tear my body apart- how long has this been going on?”

“Years. Never this bad, though.” Keith felt like he was gonna collapse, just fall apart at the seams. He took a seat on his bed and could feel the mattress dip when Lance joined him.

“I’m transgender.”

His voice was hushed and quiet, and he sincerely hoped he wouldn't have to repeat himself. _I don't have the energy to say that again._

“Wait, really?” Lance asked, surprised. “So like, are you a trans boy? Trans girl? Something else entirely, like Pidge?”

Keith blinked, a stunned expression on his face, like a deer in headlights. _Was it really that easy?_

“Trans boy.” He answered, his voice still quiet and cautious. He couldn't help but be perpetually afraid of Lance suddenly changing his mind about Keith and abandoning him right then and there. _He wouldn't. But he could._

“So that was…?”

“Dysphoria.” Somehow just saying the word served as a reminder to Keith that he had it, and the vague humming underneath his skin only felt worse as this conversation continued.

“Why haven't we ever felt it before? I mean, if you have it then shouldn't we have felt it while forming Voltron? Or the several dozen times we’ve done the mind-meld up to today?”

Keith froze up a bit. He wasn't exactly sure how to answer that question without getting into some incredibly specific conversation. It wasn't like it was one big event that caused the wave of discomfort and disgust so much as it was several small things that got increasingly more difficult to deal with over time. Each distinct moment was so minute and unimportant and he wasn't one to open up to people anyway. So that's what he said.

“Uh, it's like, a bunch of little parts. It's not like anything happened this morning in particular. Just all the little stuff built up. This could have happened whenever.”

“I have all the time in the world.” Lance replied, his voice strangely affectionate. He smiled a little, encouraging Keith to talk. “Besides, do you even have anyone you can turn to on this ship? You can't struggle by yourself forever.” His voice held such a specific emotion that Keith just couldn't pick up on. He decided to talk.

“Yeah, I do, I have Shiro.”

“That's it?”

“Yeah. Well, until today at least.” Keith bit his lip before turning to look at Lance again. “Do you really wanna hear everything that happened this week that lead to all this mess? All of it's really small stuff but….”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

“Stuff like… that planet we freed a couple days ago… their king called me a young woman when the rest of you weren't around. Even stuff on the ship, like Pidge or Hunk looking at me kinda weird. Or how tight the Voltron suits are. Or… yeah. Like I said. Really small stuff.”

“But it all adds up….”

“Yeah.”

It was quiet again, but this time the silence was nice. Both boys caught in their own thoughts, trying to process exactly what had gone down in the past half hour. It was always like this every time Keith came out to someone, the fear of rejection seemed to make time fly by, and he knew he’d definitely need to sleep this over. Ultimately, he was happy.

_Lance doesn't hate me._

The itching feeling under his skin almost vanished as he processed the conversation. He had another ally, and it felt good. He was startled when he felt a weight on his shoulder, and looked down to see Lance’s head was resting there.

“This was wild.”

“Yeah.”

“But I’m glad it happened.”

“Me too.”

The room felt like it was getting warmer again. Keith wondered if it was the embarrassment of all the emotions of the day, or the discomfort of being in physical contact with someone.

_But neither of those really feel right. This is something else entirely._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long! This chapter was the hardest for me to write but I really hope it turned out well! This coming-out chapter was heavily based on personal experience and I hope I captured those emotions well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lance realizes he's gayer than originally planned

Lance was walking down the long corridors of the castle, completely aimlessly. It was the day after the big talk with Keith, and he hadn't gotten much sleep that night as a result.

 _That was just so much to take in. I wonder how Keith's handling it._ He briefly considered talking to the red paladin, but felt weird about the idea. _How can I even talk to him again after that? I imagine he would want to just talk like normal, but…._

_This isn't like when Pidge came out, it feels too different and I just don't know why._

As his feet continued to take him wherever they pleased, he started to really think about Keith.

 _That must have been such a big step for him, he's so closed off._ Lance could probably count on one hand all the really personal things he knew about Keith, so when he opened up about anything, it always felt so intimate.

 _I’m so proud of him._ Lance thought warmly. _We’ve come so far._ He started thinking about his relationship with the red paladin, from the day he first saw the mess of fluffy black hair at the Garrison. _I tried to be his friend, but he just wasn't interested. I thought it was so rude of him back then, I didn't know he was bad with people._

He remembered how jealous he was of Keith's talent, and how that jealousy became spite as Keith ignored his attempts at friendship. How he tried to ignore the needle-pricks at his heart when Keith dropped out. _I was such a mess._

For that first year of separation from the violet-eyed boy, and his first month or so on the ship, he had maintained his one-sided rivalry, as childish as it was, just out of irritation. _I still don't know where that came from. Why was I so bent out of shape about it?_ He thought about just how far they had really come. _There's no more venom, no more hostility, the bickering is just… affectionate. Like friends._

So why did the word “friends” feel so wrong?

He bit his lip. _What really happened yesterday? What was different? We’ve had intimate moments before._

 _Maybe I just really admire him, the way I admire Shiro._ But he knew that felt wrong, too.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the smell of food and the realization that he was in front of the kitchen. He noticed he hadn't eaten all day and, in hopes of finding Hunk or Pidge, he opened the door to instead find Allura lazily making some kind of Altean dish he was unaware of.

“Hello, Princess.” He said with a cheesy grin, and almost slipped on the floor as he did so. Allura, like the good friend she was, didn't point this out. She instead just let out a small sigh towards her younger ally.

_Rude._

“What brings you here, Lance?” She asked him, sounding incredibly tired and drained, but still putting on a fake cheerfulness that always somehow motivated the team.

“What, do I need an invitation?” He spat back, playfully. After a few moments of silence and a few moments of Allura cooking silently to herself, Lance continued talking. “Okay, so, about Keith,”

Allura looked up from her food and raised a curious eyebrow. “What about Keith?”

“Well we uh, talked yesterday… about some stuff. I can't tell you but uh… it's just weird.” Allura was looking at him strangely, as if wondering why exactly she needed to know this. _It's because she reminds me of my big sister, and this is just the type of stuff I would tell her back at home._ He thought, fondly remembering the conversations the two of them would have back on Earth. _This is as close as it gets._

“We had like a really big important conversation yesterday, and now I’m just like… questioning our entire relationship. I don't even know why.”

Allura was silent, but kept offering curious glances, as if encouraging him to keep talking.

“Like, he just opened up a little and showed me some stuff about himself I never knew. And like, thinking about it today, I just can't get him out of my head. You’d think it would have been a good bonding moment between bros but instead I just feel weird, like calling him my friend is wrong somehow. It wasn't like this before.” He looked to Allura, expecting encouragement. Her facial expression stayed more or less the same as she began questioning him.

“Do you find Keith attractive?” She asked.

Lance blinked, slightly confused.

“Sure, but what's that gotta do with anything?” He answered, feeling his face flush slightly simply by stating that Keith was attractive. _I mean he is._

Allura sighed and looked him deep in the eyes. “You're interested in becoming his partner, then?”

Lance felt the blood in his face heat up a bit more, surprised by her forwardness and just what exactly she was asking. _Am I interested in being his boyfriend? She asked that so openly… but am I? Like would I actually want to date him?_ He realized that she probably knew the answer to this question better than he did, and he cursed himself for it.

_Would I actually date Keith?_

Sure, he sometimes looked at the red paladin and thought about how nice it really would be to hold him close at night or plant a little kiss on his sharp brow bones in the early morning, but that didn't have to mean he was really interested in Keith. 

_Why am I thinking about this so hard? Would I date him or not?_ He really began to consider the idea, thinking about how dating Keith would be. He felt his face grow warmer. 

He could see himself waking Keith up with kisses. He could see himself openly flirting with him every planet they visit to make sure everyone in the galaxy knows Keith is his. He could see himself surprising Keith with a hug from behind when he's stressed. He could see himself playing with Keith’s mullet and whispering sweet songs to him in Spanish as they fell asleep. He could see himself calling Keith his boyfriend and it felt so good. He had an epiphany right there in that kitchen.

“Yeah, I think I am.”

“Then you should probably talk to him.” Allura suggested, calmly. But Lance wasn't calm at all. That idea scared him. _Tell Keith? How would he even take it? Would he think I’m only into him because of yesterday? If he rejects me, how will that affect Voltron? Will we still be friends?_

He found himself out of the kitchen and away from Allura as quickly as possible, wandering down the empty hallways once again, no idea where his feet would take him this time. He was so lost in his thoughts, thinking about Keith and the crush he had on him.

 _It should have been so obvious. How did I never even consider it before?_ He looked up from his mindless walking to see he was in front of Hunk’s door. _If there's anyone I’d wanna talk to right now, it's definitely him._ He knocked gently on the door and instantly felt the muscles in his face relax upon seeing the bright, warm smile of his friend.

“Lance! Y’need anything? Or just wanna hang out?” He asked, his voice was so calm and casual, and he immediately moved to let Lance into the room.

“Actually, I need your help. You're better at this than I am, probably.”

Hunk raised an eyebrow, concerned. “I’m listening.”

Lance sighed, launching himself onto Hunk’s bed. “So Allura forced me to realize I have a crush on Keith except he just shared some extremely personal stuff with me yesterday so even if I wasn't scared of rejection I still would have to worry about him thinking I was asking him out because of what we talked about yesterday which isn't it.”

“Wait wait wait wait, let’s backtrack a little… you have a crush on Keith? And even more importantly, I’m not the first person to know about it?” Hunk asked, his voice full of mock offense.

“Well Allura found me out but you would have been the first.” 

“That's fair.”

“So what do I do?” He asked. “How would you do this? I’m good at people but I’m not good at being gentle with them. And I feel like if I mess this up at all, then I’m screwed.”

Hunk smiled at his friend. “Just be genuine. When you're careful and sincere, your words will come off that way. If you try to avoid this he’s just gonna feel like you're deliberately ignoring him, which is worse than anything that could come out of asking him out. I’ve got your back, man, but you gotta say something. I can't tell you what that something is. This isn't my gay crush.”

Lance sighed to himself. “Yeah, I know.” He slowly forced himself off the bed. “I’m just scared.”

Hunk rested a hand on Lance’s shoulder.

“You got this!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS CHAPTER TOOK SO LONG SJBDKDBRL it's been hot and my insomnia has been causing a lot of problems jslfbskdn i made this chapter longer to compensate <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> broganes, confessions of love, and first-time cuddles you're welcome

Keith rolled out of bed, his mind a fuzzy haze, still clouded with the events of the day before. Anxiety was chewing at every nerve in his body, crawling up the back of his throat almost instantly, as he remembered just what he had done yesterday.

_I came out of the closet- to Lance._ He bit his lip as he started gathering his things and prepared to leave the confinement of his room. _I need to talk to Shiro about this._

He suddenly realized he forgot to take off his binder last night before going to bed. _I must have forgot because I was distracted; with everything that happened yesterday I guess it's not too surprising._ He considered going without it, he was only talking to Shiro, but the risk of someone else seeing him in the halls or walking in on him without it on was just too great. So he decided to ignore the pull of pain at his ribs and the tired, winded feeling that came with it, as well as the metal hooks tearing into his side. _I can take it off when I get back._

He slowly started down the cold corridors, his footsteps echoing. There was something so erie about the wide space between the walls, floors, and ceiling and the empty lifelessness of 10,000 years that dulled the castle. He was keenly aware of how deep his breathing was as he struggled for air.

_I really hope I don't have to talk to anyone else or no emergencies come up, I can't keep this on for more than an hour, probably._ He had thought about just resting now and talking later, but he decided he needed to talk about yesterday, it couldn't wait.

_I just came out to Lance yesterday._ He repeated constantly in his thoughts, still trying to understand that it had really actually happened. _He seemed to take it well, but he could always change his mind. And what if he had told the others? He doesn't seem like the type to do that, but he could be. And what if this changes our friendship? What if he treats me differently or thinks differently of me?_ He felt the “what if…?” questions come one by one, and his general dysphoria, anxieties and the physical pain his chest was in were all mixing together and leaving a nauseous feeling in his gut and a bitter taste on his tongue.

Thankfully, he was now in front of the black lion’s hangar, and Shiro was in there cleaning up his suit. He cautiously stepped in.

“Uh, Shiro?”

Shiro immediately looked up and smiled at the red paladin. “Keith? How are you?” He patted his hand on the floor next to him, offering Keith a seat. Keith accepted, slowly walking towards his brother-figure friend and flopping down next to him.

“I just came out of the closet. To Lance. Yesterday.” He started, his voice sounded tired, drained, and slightly scared.

Shiro looked at him, surprised. “And you're okay with that?”

“No.” Keith grumbled, leaning back a bit. “But there's nothing I can do about it now, so,”

“Well, I’m proud of you. It's a big step, you’re making progress. Did Lance take it well?” He asked, resting his hand on Keith's shoulder.

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, I mean,” Keith paused to breath. “He seemed supportive but like, he could always change his mind. And I’m afraid of talking to him now for that reason specifically.”

Shiro smiled gently at his younger friend. “Keith, as far as I know, Lance is really decisive and genuine. Do you really think he's the type of guy to suddenly go behind you?”

“No but he _can._ ” Keith replied, his voice flat.

Shiro just chuckled in response. “You need to stop worrying so much.”

“Easier said than done.”

The silence between the two paladins was so relaxing and familiar, a feeling Keith had missed. He didn't get moments like this with Shiro often anymore, so he always relished them. He watched as Shiro scraped dried galra blood off his suit, careful not to damage it. _It's slightly fucked up that I’m just watching my brother-figure and idol scrape the blood of my species off his paladin uniform but whatever._

After several minutes of this, the only sounds being the scraping noise, occasional grunts from Shiro, and the dull hum of the castle, the older man finally spoke up again.

“Remember when you came out to me?”

“Of course I do.” Keith replied, fondly. “How could I forget? Probably the best part about it was that I didn't even know I was trans when I did it.” He smiled to himself, thinking about just how young and naive about himself he was back then.

“It was a learning experience for both of us.” Shiro replied with a smile. The silence returned as they both were lost in their own thoughts, thinking about that particular day. Keith had been eleven, staying at Shiro’s place for a whole week. He remembered he was sitting on the couch, listening to Shiro talk about the Garrison when he finally decided to ask the question he had bottled up since he was eight.

“Can girls go to the Garrison too?”

He remembered the distinct look in Shiro's eyes as he replied, a loving and supportive look full of meaning. “Of course, girls can do anything boys can do.”

“Then how come I don't like being a girl very much? How come I wish I was boy sometimes? Shiro, what's the difference between boys and girls?”

“Well….” He remembered Shiro saying, his voice careful as he searched for just the right words. “It's mostly about how you feel. It's just whatever you think is right in your heart.”

“So does that make me a boy, then?”

“Don't ask me, it's up to you to decide how you identify. No-one else can decide that.”

Those words stuck with Keith for five years now, locked away in his memories. He referred to them whenever he was worried about things like this; coming out, rejection, denial. Shiro's good advice always pulled Keith out from whatever was bugging him.

_It's so much easier to think about our memories without the fear of the rest of the team figuring me out._

The brotherly moment was cut soon faster than Keith wanted by Lance walking in, his eyes flashing with anxiety. His body looked stiff and his voice was high, cracking slightly.

“Keith? Can we talk? Alone? Please?”

Keith felt a rush of dread sinking underneath his skin; his nausea immediately returning and churning in his stomach, crawling up his throat. He turned to Shiro who just dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

_Fucking asshole. You're supposed to get me out of this. You're supposed to save me. I thought we were bros._ He didn't really have much of an option though, he couldn't just ignore Lance forever, so he forced himself onto weak feet and started following Lance back to his room, silenced with worry.

_What if this is about yesterday? It must be, right? What else could he possibly want to talk to you about? What if he really did change his mind about you?_ He felt his feet get heavier as they got closer and closer to Lance's room. His binder felt tighter and every breath was a struggle. His head was spinning a bit.

_This is fine._ He tried convincing himself. _He could wanna talk to you about anything. Maybe he misses home. Maybe he wants your help with something. Maybe he has a crush on you._

_Okay, he definitely doesn't have a crush on you._ He thought to himself as Lance opened the door to his room and let Keith in first. _And did we walk fast or was I just thinking too much?_ He bit his lip, still crawling with worry as he entered the room and took it all in. There was a faint, fresh scent, like the ocean, that filled the room. Pictures of family members and memoirs to all the adventures the team had been on were scattered around the room. _This feels so homey and sentimental._

He jumped a bit when the door shut, and turned towards Lance. _He isn't looking at me. He must be just as scared as I was yesterday._ He bit down harder on his lip, picking at the skin with his teeth while he waited for Lance to talk.

“I-I… well….” Lance started. Keith raised a cautious eyebrow, but let him take his time.

“I, well, I-I just realized something this morning, about myself, about you. _About how I feel about you._ ”

Keith felt the knot in his throat tighten. His knees were locked in place.

“I… I like you… and it's not because of yesterday, I liked you for a while, I just couldn't have realized it if we hadn't had that talk... yesterday.”

Keith was so lost. Was he actually hearing this? It felt so artificial, plastic, automated. He wanted someone to pinch him.

“When I first saw you at the Garrison… I just knew I wanted to be close to you. I didn't know why but… when you weren't interested, I just got so frustrated. I didn't know why you were distant, I didn't know you were bad with people, or even the little things like how you always scrunch up your nose when you put your hair in a ponytail, or how your eyes light up every time you see adventure. I didn't know how you always chew on your lip when you're nervous….”

Keith immediately stopped biting at his lip.

“...Or how you always try so hard to hide your emotions, like they're something to be embarrassed of.”

He started biting his lip again.

“I just missed you, y’know? When you ran off and lived in the desert for a year, I got so mad at you. Now it's just….”

“Affectionate?” Keith finished for him.

“Yeah. So, I kinda just told you all about my big gay crush on you so uh… how do you feel? About me?”

Keith stayed silent, avoiding Lance’s gaze as he took a few steps forward. He paused for a moment.

Then he kissed him.

Hours later, the two of them had stayed in Lance's room and decided to just cuddle, letting everything sink in. 

“I don't think I’d ever be able to do something like this in front of the others.” Keith said quietly. Lance's arm was curled around his waist. Their legs were touching. _This is more contact than I’m used to… but I guess it's pretty nice._

“Hm?” Lance responded. Keith could feel him move his head to get a better look at his face.

“Like, affection. Touches. Being close to someone. I’m not even used to it alone like this. I’m just bad at physical touching stuff.”

Lance just chuckled. “If you want to leave you can just say so.” He started to get up but Keith pulled him back down.

“I don't. Get back here. I’m not used to it or good at it but that doesn't mean I don't like it. This is nice.”

Lance immediately laid back down and repositioned himself. They stayed like that for a while, but as time passed, Keith’s discomfort was obvious. His breathing was heavy, almost hyperventilating, and he squirmed to try and relieve the itching of his binder hooks cutting into him.

“Keith?”

“It's just my binder. Kinda had it on for longer than usual.” He said a bit sheepishly, as though he had done something bad.

“How long?” Lance’s voice sounded so concerned, which only made Keith feel worse.

“Two days now. I only took it off to shower. It was an accident but I’m still paying for it.” He said, wincing a bit as he spoke.

“Take it off, then.” Lance replied flatly. Keith immediately sat up, surprised.

“Um, what?”

“Take it off. It's just the two of us, and you're clearly in pain, dude. No need to torture yourself. I won't stare, I promise.”

Keith really doubted that promise, but regardless he decided to cautiously take off his shirt and unhook his binder, immediately taking a deep, relieving breath. And sure enough….

“You're staring.” Keith's voice was flat as he tossed his binder in Lance's face and got his shirt back on.

“Sorry,” Lance replied, blushing. “I probably shouldn't have done that but like… damn… you look good, dude.” He ended his excuse with a wink, and Keith just rolled his eyes as he got comfortable again, letting Lance put his arm back around his waist.

There was a few minutes of peaceful quiet. Even without his binder on, Keith felt comfortable. he could feel Lance's breath warm near his neck and the feeling of their legs brushing against each other was getting more and more comfortable by the moment. Lance eventually broke the silence, his voice not much louder than a whisper.

“This is nice, y’know? Sometimes you just need to take time to breathe.”

And Keith silently agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a wild ride oml
> 
> i wrote this piece as a way to cope with my own dysphoria and i'm really proud of how it turned out! thank you for experiencing this with me!
> 
> unfortunately problems with insomnia and writers block made this chapter so hard to write but hopefully the length and effort put in was worth it!
> 
> also this isn't my last writing piece! i have a big project involving reincarnation that i'll be starting soon, also klance! i hope yall continue to support me and my work
> 
> i love yall so much, thanks for all the sweet comments and support <3


End file.
